Do You Hear What I Hear?

   That’s right, nothing.  The boy is finally asleep in his bed after a day of more cycling  (Bi Polar, not biking unfortunately) than I have seen in a very long time.  I know this is due to the fact that we are mid way through weaning him off a heavy med, but holy shit was he exhausting today!  I kept him home because he had stomach cramps and a headache, side effects or basically withdrawal symptoms and I figured he could use it.  He did need it, but it was exhausting for both if us. 
    At one point he was rolling on the floor screaming because his underwear wasn’t right and he had to keep adjusting himself.  This is an ongoing problem, probably part of the OCD that they are telling me he is showing me more and more signs of.  Of course because I am the mother and he is the 13yo who knows everything, all the suggestions I made to try and help him were stupid and I was dumb and I never understand, or at least that’s what I think he was yelling at me…it was hard to distinguish the words from the screams.  This lasted fifteen minutes or so and then he was fine, like nothing ever happened.  That is the hard thing about his rages and we talk to him about it all the time.  Once he comes out of it, he is fine and often doesn’t even remember what he did or said.  Those of us who witnessed it or were targeted in it are still reeling and need much more time than him to calm down and not take it to heart and then he doesn’t understand why we are upset.

   So we went awhile without incident until I mentioned the homework he had to do with the tutor this evening.  Well, I might as well have said that he had to cut his own hand off.  He screamed and yelled and ranted and raved for a good half hour, though nothing got thrown so that’s a positive thing.  Sad that I can determine a bad rage from a good rage, but that is just our life.  Others who only see my “Jekyll” think I am crazy or exaggerating when I describe these things  because they just can’t fathom it.  I guess that is a good thing, as I would not wish this on my worst enemy.  
    We made it through the rest of the day with only minor issues and he did go with his tutor and get all his work done and we were able to have about an hour of quality time before he went to bed.  When he asks me to tuck him in (which he still does every night and I am grateful for that) and gives me a hug and tells me he loves me, I know it is all worth it.  Easy?  No.  Frustrating as hell?  Yes.  Exhausting?  Yes.  Worth it to have the wonderful, brilliant, beautiful boy that I have?  Yes.  I love him with my heart and soul and would never change him, I just wish I could take his pain away.  Maybe someday, but until then, I remain the rodent and he remains my Jekyll and Hyde.

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