New and Old

Happy 2012!  It is with trepidation and hope that I enter this new year.  My hopes?  That maybe this is the year we figure out just the right combination of meds, therapies, hormones, and life for my son and we get to reap the benefits.  Most importantly, we get to see what it is like for him to feel “normal” if there is such a thing, to fit in, not to be so angry and emotionally skewed.  That is something I have longed for for more years than I care to count.  The trepidation, we don’t want to get our hopes to high.  Never too many expectations, especially during puberty.  It all takes time to work together.  It is difficult to find the right combination of things to help your son.  This is something he will never outgrow, but he can learn to live with/handle it better…can you tell I am quoting things I have been told over the years?  I will never give up hope, but neither will I be unrealistic about where things could end up.  It is a daily struggle for me to stay positive and not think of the negative “what ifs”, that is what many people don’t understand.  As B gets older, the results of his rages and outbursts get more serious and God forbid he does some of the things he does at home in public…his therapist who knows him well and who started seeing B four years ago, right after he attempted suicide for the first time, has told me that if B behaved in school or public the way he does at home and with his service providers, he probably would have already been placed in a residential setting.  Welcome to one of my worst nightmnares, just below physically losing him for good.  Hence, my trepidation.  However, we have come this far and made some progress, so my resolution is to do my best to stay positive and in the worst of moments, remember that they aren’t the worst.  It could always be worse and someday it might even be better.  I also resolve to embrace the good times, the smiles, the moments of seemingly “normal” times when all is right with our family and there is no fear, anger, hurt, or anxiety.  I will keep you posted as to how these resolutions work out.  Luckily I have an amazing fiance’ who is here to kick my butt when I get too down and remind me of the positives when I forget.  That can be the difference between a I can’t take anymore and am breaking down night or a relatively insane but I am keeping it together night. Sometimes that line is very fine!!!

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