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Happy 2012!  It is with trepidation and hope that I enter this new year.  My hopes?  That maybe this is the year we figure out just the right combination of meds, therapies, hormones, and life for my son and we get to reap the benefits.  Most importantly, we get to see what it is like for him to feel “normal” if there is such a thing, to fit in, not to be so angry and emotionally skewed.  That is something I have longed for for more years than I care to count.  The trepidation, we don’t want to get our hopes to high.  Never too many expectations, especially during puberty.  It all takes time to work together.  It is difficult to find the right combination of things to help your son.  This is something he will never outgrow, but he can learn to live with/handle it better…can you tell I am quoting things I have been told over the years?  I will never give up hope, but neither will I be unrealistic about where things could end up.  It is a daily struggle for me to stay positive and not think of the negative “what ifs”, that is what many people don’t understand.  As B gets older, the results of his rages and outbursts get more serious and God forbid he does some of the things he does at home in public…his therapist who knows him well and who started seeing B four years ago, right after he attempted suicide for the first time, has told me that if B behaved in school or public the way he does at home and with his service providers, he probably would have already been placed in a residential setting.  Welcome to one of my worst nightmnares, just below physically losing him for good.  Hence, my trepidation.  However, we have come this far and made some progress, so my resolution is to do my best to stay positive and in the worst of moments, remember that they aren’t the worst.  It could always be worse and someday it might even be better.  I also resolve to embrace the good times, the smiles, the moments of seemingly “normal” times when all is right with our family and there is no fear, anger, hurt, or anxiety.  I will keep you posted as to how these resolutions work out.  Luckily I have an amazing fiance’ who is here to kick my butt when I get too down and remind me of the positives when I forget.  That can be the difference between a I can’t take anymore and am breaking down night or a relatively insane but I am keeping it together night. Sometimes that line is very fine!!!

Empty

Merry Christmas Eve.  I am totally missing my boys tonight.  S is working til 10 (oh the joys of being management in retail).  B is with his dad for the weekend because we had our Christmas last weekend with all the kids.  I am happy that B is with his dad, step-mom and especially his younger sister (15 months) whom he adores, but I really miss him.  It is funny that when B is here, things are so difficult, yet when he isn’t here, I miss him and feel a little empty.  That is the way of the world I guess, we always want what we don’t have.  However, I am focusing on the positive, I have a great son, an amazing fiance’,  the love of lots of great friends and family, a good job, a roof over my head, two wonderful dogs and a fantastic future to look forward to.  That is more than some people have and I am grateful for all that I have.  Tomorrow S and I will spend the day with his parents and that will be really nice.  Merry Christmas everyone, give thanks to God for what you have, as I am!

A Positive Challenge

I found this on a great blog I started following and thought it was so good that I would do it too.  We often need reminders of the good things.It is harder to complete than you think!

Take a Gratitude Challenge

Let’s not just talk about counting our blessings—let’s do it! Write a list of 100 things you are thankful for. If that sounds like it is too many, try this:
 

  1. Write 10 physical abilities you are grateful for:
    1.   I can smile
    2.   I can walk
    3.   I can physically feel love
    4.   I am able to type this blog
    5.   I can hug the ones I love
    6.  I can kiss the ones I love
    7.  I can talk
    8.  I can cry
    9. I can express myself through the act of writing
    10. I can touch 

2.  Write 10 material possessions you are grateful for:

  1. My beautiful engagement ring
  2. My home/apartment
  3. My computer
  4. My phone
  5. My clothes
  6. All the pictures of my family and friends
  7. My Nook
  8. My comfy bed
  9. My Jeep
  10. All my purses/bags

3.  Write 10 living people you are grateful for:

  1. Brennan
  2. Steve
  3. Mom
  4. Dad
  5. Tammy
  6. Nicole
  7. Daniel
  8. Bob
  9. Betty
  10. Cathy    (there are so many more than 10, this was hard to do) 

                                                                                                                                           

4. Write 10 deceased people you are grateful for:

   1.  Meg
   2.  Grandma Josie
   3.  Grandma Piske
   4.  Grandpa Piske
   5.  Grandpa Irving
   6.  Caleb
   7.  CJ
   8.  Ellen
  9.  Becky
  10. Loretta 
5. Write 10 things about nature you are grateful for:
  1.  My Dogs
  2.  The sun
  3.  Blue skies
  4.  Animals
  5.  The oceans
  6.  The smell of a fall morning
  7.  Beautiful flowers
  8.  Rain
  9.  Watching snow fall when I am inside and cozy
  10.  The changing of the seasons

6. Write 10 things about today you are grateful for:
         1.  That my son hugged me good bye this morning   

         2.  That I was able to feel the love of my fiance’ through his hugs and kisses
         3.  That it is the last day of work before Christmas vacation
         4.  So far, the kids are only semi-crazy
         5.  That I can stay up past my normal bed time tonight
         6.  It is not snowing
         7.  All of my car pool friends are having a good day
         8.  I am half way through the day
         9.  I am two days closer to Christmas
         10.  I am alive


7. Write 10 places on earth you are grateful for:
     1.  Sherburne, NY
     2.  New Hartford, NY
     3.  Rome, NY
     4.  Oneida, NY
     5.  Zephyrhills, FL
     6.  Fort Walton Beach, FL
     7.  Virginia
     8.  Clayton, NY
     9.  Virginia
    10.  Oregon
8. Write 10 modern inventions you are grateful for:
    1.  Cell Phones
    2.  Computers
    3.  Televisions
    4.  iPods
    5.  Digital Cameras
    6.  Nooks
    7.  DVDs
    8.  Skype
    9.  Email
   10.  Texting
9. Write 10 foods you are grateful for:
    1.   Pizza
    2.  Steak
    3.  Cheese
    4.  English muffins
    5.  Chocolate
    6.  Nachos
    7.  Betty’s meatballs
    8.  Chicken Parm
    9.  Pizza rolls (schools)
   10.  Subs
10. Write any other 10 things that you are grateful for: 
   1.  My parents’ support of me
   2.  The love and future I have with Steve, Brennan, and all the rest of our family
   3.  The help and support we are getting for Brennan through Kids Oneida
   4.  That everything does happen for a reason and I believe God has finally shown me the way to what is right for me.
   5.  That I have friends who support and love me through the good times and the bad times, even if they don’t always agree with or understand my decisions
   6.  That my sister and I have become closer again and I have her love and support in my life
   7.  I have a job I love going to everyday
   8.  That I have a great family to go home to everyday
   9.  I have found an outlet in blogging that is helping my frame of mind become better
  10.  I am alive, and am able to make it through each day feeling safe, supported, loved, and worthy
    When we make a list like this, we discover that a list of 100 doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of all the things God has given us.