Merry Christmas Eve. I am totally missing my boys tonight. S is working til 10 (oh the joys of being management in retail). B is with his dad for the weekend because we had our Christmas last weekend with all the kids. I am happy that B is with his dad, step-mom and especially his younger sister (15 months) whom he adores, but I really miss him. It is funny that when B is here, things are so difficult, yet when he isn’t here, I miss him and feel a little empty. That is the way of the world I guess, we always want what we don’t have. However, I am focusing on the positive, I have a great son, an amazing fiance’, the love of lots of great friends and family, a good job, a roof over my head, two wonderful dogs and a fantastic future to look forward to. That is more than some people have and I am grateful for all that I have. Tomorrow S and I will spend the day with his parents and that will be really nice. Merry Christmas everyone, give thanks to God for what you have, as I am!
I found this on a great blog I started following and thought it was so good that I would do it too. We often need reminders of the good things.It is harder to complete than you think!
Take a Gratitude Challenge
- Write 10 physical abilities you are grateful for:
- I can smile
- I can walk
- I can physically feel love
- I am able to type this blog
- I can hug the ones I love
- I can kiss the ones I love
- I can talk
- I can cry
- I can express myself through the act of writing
- I can touch
2. Write 10 material possessions you are grateful for:
- My beautiful engagement ring
- My home/apartment
- My computer
- My phone
- My clothes
- All the pictures of my family and friends
- My Nook
- My comfy bed
- My Jeep
- All my purses/bags
3. Write 10 living people you are grateful for:
- Cathy (there are so many more than 10, this was hard to do)
4. Write 10 deceased people you are grateful for:
9. Watching snow fall when I am inside and cozy
10. The changing of the seasons
6. Write 10 things about today you are grateful for:
1. That my son hugged me good bye this morning
So we went awhile without incident until I mentioned the homework he had to do with the tutor this evening. Well, I might as well have said that he had to cut his own hand off. He screamed and yelled and ranted and raved for a good half hour, though nothing got thrown so that’s a positive thing. Sad that I can determine a bad rage from a good rage, but that is just our life. Others who only see my “Jekyll” think I am crazy or exaggerating when I describe these things because they just can’t fathom it. I guess that is a good thing, as I would not wish this on my worst enemy.
We made it through the rest of the day with only minor issues and he did go with his tutor and get all his work done and we were able to have about an hour of quality time before he went to bed. When he asks me to tuck him in (which he still does every night and I am grateful for that) and gives me a hug and tells me he loves me, I know it is all worth it. Easy? No. Frustrating as hell? Yes. Exhausting? Yes. Worth it to have the wonderful, brilliant, beautiful boy that I have? Yes. I love him with my heart and soul and would never change him, I just wish I could take his pain away. Maybe someday, but until then, I remain the rodent and he remains my Jekyll and Hyde.
I was given this poem when my son was around grade 2 and diagnosed with ADHD (if that was all we had to contend with, how much easier things would be). I read and re read it many times up to this very day, laughing and crying as I do.
Welcome to Holland
by Emily Pearl Kingsely
” I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability- to try to help people who have not shared the unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this…
When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip- to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, The Michelangelo’ David, The Gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says “Welcome to Holland”.
Holland? You say. What do you mean Holland? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.
But there has been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.
So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for awhile and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandt.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned”.
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, go away, because the loss of a dream is a very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.”
I decided to actually start my blog instead of always talking about doing it. My reason for doing so is multi-layered. First and foremost, to help me keep my sanity. Seriously, the last 13 years of my life have been more of a roller coaster than anyone can begin to imagine and you can only hold so much inside until you burst.
Secondly, if I can help even one person cope with having a child with a disability, then all my rantings, tears, laughs and moments of clarity will be worth it. **My disclaimer is that I am not a doctor, all I write here shall be my opinions and my perceptions on how things have and are happening. I may change names and places to protect those in my life, but all events, thoughts and happenings are as true as I recall them to be.**
Thirdly and lastly, I enjoy writing, so why not do something I enjoy while also getting out my emotions and the crazy description of that which is my life, while sharing for the world at large, or at least a few acquaintances crazy enough to read these posts? So hang on kids, it is going to be a bumpy ride for sure, but here we go!