Sometimes it is hard to tell if I am coming or going. B’s cycles are so rapid in the past couple days that I feel drained. He is happy, then he is pissed, then he is crying. There are no obvious triggers, nothing helps him come down and he is just so angry. I know that my current back issues are bringing my patience level down and B has always been in tune with my moods and it is almost like he is reacting to my pain by showing his, if that makes any sense. More mom guilt, great. Sometimes it is just soo much, but enough whining out of me. It has just been one of those nights, so I am off to bed and will face another day with a positive attitude, as I have resolved to do. Tomorrow night B is staying with my friend so S and I can go see Kelly Clarkson in concert and I think the night out will be good for me. Gotta take care of the mom sometimes, right?
OK, I have a feeling that this is going to be a random tangent kind of post, so I shall apologize for that now. It has just been one of those days where my emotions are all over the place, feeling like I am being pulled in fifty different directions, trying to make everyone happy and succeeding with no one. One of the hardest things with my son’s emotional disorder, probably in the top three if I had to order them, is that he is never satisfied with anything for more than about two seconds. OK, that may be an exaggeration, but not far off. As long as things go the way he wants them to, on his time line, he is happy, but the minute he doesn’t get something exactly as he wants it, the rages begin. Now I understand many children (especially toddlers) act this way, but my son is almost 14 and I am talking full out, screaming, yelling, hitting things, throwing things, self abusing rages. Not your typical child reaction and it is so frustrating as a mom.
Point in case, right now B has something going on everyday after school, whether it be family therapy, two days or tutoring, one day of mentoring and two days with his behavior manager, so when we have time off from school, I try to make the most of that time. Today, even though S and I had the day off and wanted to do something together, I told B that he could have a friend sleep over. He called his friends and they were able to come, but not for a couple hours from then, but could sleep over and spend most of tomorrow here. Instead of being happy that he can have a friend over and realizing that I would now rearrange my day to accommodate his sleep over, he immediately started flipping out because he didn’t want to wait three hours for his friend and why couldn’t I do something to make him come over earlier? I was in the middle of paying bills and trying to stretch money farther that it ever stretches, trying to figure out what S and I could still do to spend time together while working around the sleep over and make my son happy and he is raging really???
I kinda had my own break down at that point and just started crying and then got bitchy and then got mad at myself for doing both of those things. Some days are just hard, no questions. Add to that the fact that I have recently diagnosed back injuries that I am nervous about and things are just challenging right now. There is a light ahead, S and I are taking a grown up vacation on February 19 to go to Florida and see both sets of our parents, who are snowbirds. No kids, no work, just us and a great vacation. One day at a time is how my mom always tells me to take things, so I retire to bed, since the boys (who did get their sleepover) are about out, snuggle with my honey, get a good nights’ sleep and face tomorrow with a positive attitude and hopes of a better day. Night all!